


Three-Sixty

by orchidbreezefc, Quineviere



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M, Multi, Polyamory, Some Offensive Language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-14
Updated: 2014-07-13
Packaged: 2017-11-25 13:37:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/639427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orchidbreezefc/pseuds/orchidbreezefc, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Quineviere/pseuds/Quineviere
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave Strider, Vriska Serket, and Karkat Vantas are those dumb 12 year olds who play Xbox Live. What will happen when romance starts brewing?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. You Are This Guy, And You Do This

**Author's Note:**

> Dave/Vriska POV written by Mochi  
> Karkat POV written by Orc

  “SUCK MY DICK, SHARKBAIT,” You say, mashing in the buttons and controls as if you were kneading dough, except like, ten times more aggressive than anyone who makes bread would ever be. You’re the only girl playing this game besides ragequit96, who is so shitty at Call of Duty that she often does exactly what her nickname implies.

  You are currently making spamporpoise34 your bitch, and he bitches bitchily at you through his grainy headset.   
  You decide to stay silent until he’s dead. “Hahahahahahaha! What a fucking pussy. I just fucked your sorry ass, Spam!”

  “Shut up you bullshit poser. Go make me a sandwich, dickslave.”

  “You’re just jealous because you’re getting beaten by a steel-cunted gamer girl!”

  Ragequit96 speaks up in her high-pitched, yelley, whiny-ass adorable-as-shit voice of hers.

  “All two of you, shut up! I’m over here taking care of all these fucking campers, leaving medipacks to the people who need them and generally being the opposite of Leeroy Jenkins in the SUPERIOR defense technique and what do I get?? Nothing. Fucking nothing is what I get because you assholes are fucking ingrates. I HOLD THIS FRIENDSHIP GROUP TOGETHER, BITCHES. AND AS LONG AS THERE IS THE CLAN OF THE RAGING SPIDER PORPOISE, THERE IS ME, AND I AM AT THE CENTER.”

A random player tells you fucking noob-ass ten-year-olds to shut the fuck up. You mindfully inform him that you are twelve, thank you very much.

Your name is Vriska Serket, you are friends with an angry girl and a hipster boy and you play video games.

****

\---

  For all intents and purposes, you are to be known by the holy handle of RageQuit96, snatched fresh from the memory storages of the XBox Live community, for you and only you, and you are not getting paid enough for this.  
  Hell, you’re not getting paid at all. You are offering all of your skills and services for the majority of your free time completely fucking free, like a crack-whore who just keeps coming for one more goddamn shot. This is because you are, as the evidence has it, apparently not only a masochist but also an idiot who may have had your brain impaled with a railroad spike. And--oh god fucking dammit, speaking of stupid.  
  “Spam, you idiot,” you snarl, trying not to hurl spit at your screen because you do that a lot when you’re angry and it messes up visibility, “you are not going to fucking Leeroy Jenkins me in the middle of a goddamned mission!”  
  “It’s cool,” says Spam’s smarmy douche-voice in your ear, sounding so relaxed you don’t think he even perceives the fucking naval armada-ful of enemies sighting down their assault rifles at you. “I know you got my back, girl.”  
  “No, Spam, I am going to leave you in a fucking ditch to rot until our team, maddened by hunger because those of us who didn’t die straight off never got past this goddamned blockade, comes back and feasts on your stupid pale flesh.” Spam laughs, this little _heh_ noise that you hate more than any of the sounds that signify bullets gorging themselves on your virtual body, which is basically him saying _yeah, you definitely got my back_.  
With any less of an asshole there would be an implied ‘thanks’ in that little chuckle. But no, you are the stupid mind-addled bullet-riddled mother hen for the two biggest shitrags of the century.  
  A familiar bodysuit nudges up to your character, ignoring the fact that the cover is barely enough for you alone. “Hey, brave leader,” Spider tells you over the headset, somewhat more clearly than from Spam’s shitty mic, “you should give me a health pack.”  
You are just about ready to flip your lid. “What did you fucking do, Spider?! I thought you said you could handle this!”  
  “I got like two of the guys down at once,” she says sulkily, still prodding your player obnoxiously, “one of them was hiding like a fucking snake and got me.”  
  “Oh no he di-in’t,” chimes in Spam. You would hit him if you could.  
  “I shot him in the head,” Spider adds proudly. “But seriously, don’t be such a fuckin’ scrooge, Rage. I know you got packs out the ass, just hand one over already before I get shot here.”  
  “I will leave you to die in a ditch full of rats,” you tell her, but hand over some of your well-guarded loot anyway. You think you hear her hiss, “Take that, Spam, you fucker,” but then she shoots someone so she may have just been calling that mook a spammer or something.  
There wouldn’t be any reason for your teammates to be fighting. But they are monumentally stupid, so you probably shouldn’t put it past them, and you’ve got a mission to finish anyway.  
  Your name is Karkat Vantas, your two best friends are a douchey hipster and a psycho girl, and they would be utterly lost without you. ** **  
****

\--

  Hell yeah, you mutter under your breath, with a charmingly douchey smirk. You just TNT’d the rival base, no thanks to your bitches.

  Yeah, that’s totally right, you’ve got two ladies under your arm, chillin’ out, maxin’, snipin’ all the fools; they better watch out ‘cause they gonna get schooled.

  You just thought of that right now.

  You know, you’ve never actually met these chicks, but you’re sure they’re hot. Spiderskullfucker88 has called herself, “tall, dark, and hot,” which you’re just dumb enough to believe because you’re twelve and your imminent testosterone is like a truth serum.

  Ragequit69--er, 96, has begrudgingly described herself as, “uh, ginger I guess; fuck you” which is good enough for you because headstrong women who can fend for themselves are sexy in a repulsively annoying way.

 In the middle of the night, you IM each other.

**Crabby Female says,**

> SO THERE’S THIS DOUCHE IN MY ENGLISH CLASS.
> 
> HE THINKS HE’S ALL THAT, LIKE, “HI MY NAME IS DOUCHEBAG MCFARTYPANTS AND I HAVE A BLOG.”
> 
> AND HE WON’T LEAVE ME ALONE. WHAT’S HIS FUCKING PROBLEM?

**a pedo you met online says,**

> wow what a fucking asshole
> 
> if i knew that dude in your english class id punch him in the balls for you

**Crabby Female says,**

> GAY.

**a pedo you met online says,**

> oh baby you know id do anything for you
> 
> im like that fucking prince guy in the princess bride who went if you wish a lot

**Crabby Female says,**

> A) HE WAS A FARMHAND, NOT A PRINCE.
> 
> B) “AS YOU WISH.”
> 
> C) YOU KNOW SPIDER HAS THE HOTS FOR YOU, GO HIT ON HER.

**a pedo you met online says,**

> how do you know that
> 
> wait a second what?????
> 
> that crazy bitch wouldnt know the hots if it punched her boob

**Crabby Female says,**

> I KNOW IT BECAUSE GIRL TALK.

 

A cheery tone beeps at you, telling you that someone other than Rage is messaging you. ** ******  
  


**Arachnophile says,**

> Heeeeeeeey, Spam.

**a pedo you met online says,**

> what is that hypothetical tone
> 
> are you hitting on me because rage said that you wanted to bone
> 
> with me

**Arachnophile says,**

> OH MY GOD, Rage told you??????? I am going to slap a 8itch so fucking hard I sw8r.

**a pedo you met online says,**

> you sweater
> 
> good to know

**Arachophile says,**

> Oh, shut up, Spam. You know the 8s are my thing. I don’t n8g on your 8ullshit ladies’ man facade, so return the godd8mn favor.

**a pedo you met online says,**

> do you understand the word overkill or 8verk8ll as they would say in your crazy br8n

**Arachnophile says,**

> Stick it up your ass, Spam. L8r!!!!!!!!

****

Arachnophile logged out.

You go back to Rage’s window.

  
**Crabby Female says,**

>   
>  WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU, SPAM?  
> IF YOU’RE MASTURBATING TO ME I WILL SEND A STRANGLE-O-GRAM TO WHATEVER STATE YOU LIVE IN AND TELL IT TO GO TO “THAT ASSHAT WHO COMPLETELY IGNORES MY FEELINGS.”  
> MY FEELINGS ON THIS FACT BY THE WAY ARE ANGRY AND ANNOYED.

  
**a pedo you met online says,**

>   
>  and here i thought you were going to anime confess to me over msn  
> i like you dave-senpai please go out with me  
> *spam-senpai

  
**Crabby Female says,**

>   
>  SO YOUR NAME IS DAVE? OH MAN, NOW YOU’RE LIKE ONE LAST NAME AWAY FROM BEING THAT DOUCHE IN MY ENGLISH CLASS.  
> ONE SURNAME AND SEVEN-BILLION NOTCHES UP ON THE ATTRACTIVENESS SCALE.  
> THE DAVE IN MY CLASS IS JUST REALLY FUCKING UGLY OKAY, NOT EVEN HIS MOM WOULD LOVE THAT SMOULDER.

  
  
Your name is Dave Strider, your ironic kokoro goes doki for Rage and Spider (ironically), and you are not having a boner about threesomes.


	2. Chapter 2

the entire text of this fic is [ here ](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1JIcRUa0Jk3Cwa8KRZabKySmVVsVXC98gQQok4vHNazw/edit)

and it is **finished** it actually has been since we started posting it but now there is no interest in reformatting it for ao3 so go read it there.


End file.
